Thursday, April 27, 2017


I woke up hungry this morning. Would that I could wake up hungry every day. Would that I looked at the sky always as I did this morning, eager to reach up and pull the clouds down from the sky. I would wrap them around me like a blanket. At sea level the sky seems untouchable. Here the clouds descend to kiss the earth, and hover low, as if daring you to race their shadows across the plains. I'm hungry for life, and love, and wonder. I'm in love with living, at least at the moment. It is my hope to capture that love, even briefly. so I may return to it every once in a while.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Grey Skies

I'm in a pensive mood tonight. The skies are grey, and snow is falling. I generally love snow, but even I at this point am crying uncle at mother nature's persistent bi-polar whims. Some blame global warming. The truth is, late Spring snow-storms aren't at all unusual for this area. We are well above what we need for annual snow-pack, which means as things warm again, lower lying areas will see flash-flooding. The up-side, is it's likely to keep wild-fires at bay, at least until late Summer, when the over-growth dries out and offers more fuel than usual.

I'm writing at the moment because I'm procrastinating on home work. But I also feel a need to escape the noise. Everywhere I turn there's noise, tv's, radios, telephones, grouchy people, happy people. All this communication lost to the wind like dandelion wishes, and with about as much substance. It wears me out. Sometimes I just need to be away from it.

Another person was chosen for the position in the company I applied for. I'm happy for her. She's been stuck in a position which has left her bored out of her mind, and so the challenge of learning something new is welcome for her. I'm really glad for her, and I think she will be a good fit for the position. I was beginning to worry about being offered the job, because it didn't sound like it would have the flexibility in scheduling I've grown accustomed to in my current position. Flexibility is definitely something invaluable with three full-time children at home, and a part-time class schedule. If I had been offered the position, I probably would have accepted it, and made myself miserable trying to make my life fit the requirements of the position, just because I'm eager to try my hand at something else. It's hard for me to say no to an opportunity. Where in some ways it's disappointing that I was not first choice for the job, I knew going in there were two other very well qualified applicants, and I got beat out for it by an amazing person. It also spared me the potential misery of trying to stuff my head full of new job procedures on top of the academics I'm pursuing. So my boss will just have to keep putting up with me a while.

In any case, enough procrastination. I need to get two chapter tests done before my brain decides to shut down comprehension centers, and get a homework assignment completed.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Pick-Pocketed Moments

My blood tests and ultrasound returned normal results, which is both a relief and perplexing. The only thing that was out of place was a high platelet count, which can be caused by something as simple as stress, clear up to more troublesome health issues. Given that it is usually a reaction to some other factor in the body, I've decided I'm going to blame stress for the moment. In the meantime, I've switched to vitamins with a higher Iron content to combat any possible anemia, and have added Vitamin E on top of the B complex I've been taking. In six months I will have another blood test to see if my platelets are still running high, and if so will seek the opinion of a Hematologist. If not, I will default to stress as the root cause.

I also figured out that a very probable contributing factor to my fatigue may be the frequent tension headaches, caused by posturing issues, and sitting at a desk 8-10 hours a day for the last 8+ years. The headaches range from mildly annoying to nearly debilitating, depending on the day, but it's gotten to a point I take analgesics most days to stay functional. At the suggestion of my MD, I began physical therapy for the chronic neck and shoulder pain, again caused by posturing, and likely the cause of the headaches. I went on Monday, and after my first session I felt a million times better. I wish I'd done this sooner. The fatigue is not entirely gone, but it has been significantly better. I go back in for another appointment this week to see if  Dry Needling will help. The treatment sounds absolutely awful, akin to acupuncture, but if it will provide relief without a prescription medication, I'm all for giving it a go.

I'm pretty sure I will have to re-take my Pre-Calculus class next Fall, but in the meantime I'm doing my best to finish it out as strong as possible. I won't have the Summer off after all. I will be taking the next Principles of Accounting class, so I don't have to wait for Fall of 2018 to get the next class I need. And I'm going to knock out the required P.E. credit with a Yoga class, as well as get my Political Science requirement out of the way. So I will still be carrying eight credit hours, as I have the last couple of Semesters. I am hopeful, however, that the Political Science class is one I will enjoy, and the Yoga will help provide some stress relief.

I finally received word that I have an interview for the open position in the Sales Department. We'll see how it goes. I'm not really too excited either way. I of course would like to learn something new, and receive a raise as a result of the transfer, but if the Credit Department is where I need to be, well then there are worse things in life, and it sure as hell beats being unemployed.

So for the moment that is all. I'm listening to a lot of music, old favorites mixed with new loves, guilty pleasures my mother would not approve of, and songs I used to be criticized for liking. They remind me of private moments of stolen freedom when I was younger, and I smile because it is no longer necessary to resort to pick-pocketed moments, guiltily taken in the desire to just be myself.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017


Fatigue has me at an all-time low, and headaches have plagued me for a couple of days solid. I made it in to my doctor yesterday to discuss the symptoms I've been fighting for nearly a year now, and have attributed to the possibility of perimenopause.  At the moment, I'm awaiting the results of blood tests drawn yesterday, and an ultrasound done today.

In the meantime, life goes on. My son started soccer this evening, my oldest is playing catch up on her dual credit courses, my middle child is still gearing up for the transition to high school. And me, well, I have homework and an on-line quiz due. Headaches and fatigue suck.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Money, Gender, and Undergarments

Today I am happy it's Friday. I am happy I can sleep in tomorrow, as exhaustion seems to be the name of the game. Hormones are vile little chemicals. I read an article about what happens as a woman ages and moves towards menopause. It's basically your body going through withdrawals from the drop in Estrogen. During puberty your system is flooded with Estrogen, which explains some of the teenage drama that accompanies puberty, and then the hormones level out for a while, you may or may not have babies, and you deal with a monthly pain in the abdomen for 20-30 years. Then you start moving towards the end of the reproductive cycle, in which your biological clock ticks down, and you get baby fever. Or in my case, where there's not really a desire to have any more children, you oooh and aaah over all your friends who waited until a little bit later in life to have children, as they go through pregnancy and have newborns to hold. And you have dreams, which you wake up from smiling, but also glad that it's not going to happen. Then your body starts shutting down Estrogen production, and you get to withdraw from it, like a drug addict trying to get clean. How fun it is to be female. Or maybe just being a mammal, regardless of gender, as my husband and I were talking about some of the things he has been struggling with as he gets older, and his body's testosterone factories decrease their production as well.

Last night I also got to ponder more of the expense that goes along with being the "fairer gender" in addition to supplies for menstrual cycles, the cost and discomforts of pregnancy, the cost and necessity of reproductive health. Both my daughters and I were long overdue to have new bras. So I took them both up for a fitting, got myself fitted as well, and spent a little over $200 in undergarments for the three of us, and that was just so we could each have 2-3 decent ones. I feel guilty for the two I bought for me, and not at all guilty for the ones I bought my daughters. My biggest consolation is, the last time I had them fitted and did spend the money for the little bit higher end ones, those suckers lasted the girls for quite a while. I also have to admit, the ones I bought for myself are so much better than the old worn out one I have been wearing for years. It's like a snug comfortable hug, and it feels like everything is sitting where it belongs now.

I remember times when spending that kind of money on any shopping trip for clothing would have been absolutely unthinkable. And I find myself grateful, that where we're not super well off, or even always comfortable, that there are times where we have enough to be able to take care of things like this. And I am grateful that I never get a sideways glance or hear a word of criticism for those expenditures from my husband. Nor do I criticize him for his when he makes similar expenditures. It sometimes results in being a little tight on funds, but we shrug it off and move forward. I think both of us consider money important, just not important enough to argue about. I'm still getting used to that.

My husband has been busier than a one-armed wall-paper hanger at work, as have I. We just keep plugging along, both of us working together, and letting the results handle themselves. He, working to bring home the highest net pay, and I working to provide the family benefits with a smaller net as a result. So far it seems to be a good formula.