Thursday, June 22, 2017

Try

Depression is a tricky thing. It causes pain sometimes, and sometimes it's exacerbated by pain, it's an endless cycle. My husband adjusted my back yesterday, and something was extremely out of alignment. As soon as it moved, my mood lifted, my energy surged, and the clouds seemed to roll away. I forget sometimes just how depressing it is to be in chronic pain. I've learned to disconnect from it, to tell myself I can manage, that it's bearable. I push through because I have too much to get done. I often forget to connect the dots, that because I have unlearned how to listen to my body crying uncle, I translate it as emotional pain, and assume body aches are a symptom of the depressive mood, rather than a potential cause. After the adjustment, I went to yoga, and thoroughly enjoyed it. The meditation at the end included a supported spine pose, and I was so grateful for it.

Today I'm frustrated with myself. I'm over a week behind on school work, and it turns out a week is huge for a Summer semester. I may withdraw from my Accounting and pre-calc classes after all, so I can focus on keeping decent grades in the other two classes, and try those again later when I have time to absorb the information, instead of trying to rush through it. I'll talk to admissions about it tomorrow.

The downside of struggling with the depressed state is that I feel I sabotaged myself. I know it wasn't intentional. Apathy is a bitch to fight while you are in the throes of it. But I wish I'd identified the seemingly huge contributing factor much more quickly than I did. Maybe I am demanding too much of myself right now. Maybe there is no shame in admitting partial defeat and scaling back a little. It will mean adjusting my timeline for graduation, but I'm ok with that.

I also applied for a job with a different company. It's as a receptionist, but in a medical environment, and it sounds as if there's much more involved than the mindless answering and directing of calls, and scheduling appointments. The upside would be it puts me closer to home, more central to where the children go to school, and closer to campus. I'm assuming their health insurance would be as good, if not better than my current employment, and insurance is the biggest reason I stay on where I'm at. The down side are the unknowns, meaning I don't know if it would mean a raise in pay, or comparable pay. I certainly hope so, and also I don't know what their flexibility in regards to family might be. I also don't know their view on supporting employees in continuing education. So we'll see. I don't know if I don't try.

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