Thursday, June 1, 2017

A Darker Path

Sometimes you read a piece written by another survivor that triggers you. It's not billed as "one of those" but the deeper you sink into the format, the language, no matter how veiled, it speaks to you plainly, because you understand the value of veiled phrases, and gently eloquent wording. This method of writing and speaking has become second nature. It is a means of discussing the horrific realities you have lived with in the past, without traumatizing the person you are sharing it with. Somehow it puts a smooth coating on the meaning to make the poison more palatable to ingest, sweetening the flavor, until their intellect fully processes exactly what it is you have said, and the horrifying comprehension of those soft and eloquent words blooms behind their eyes, too late to un-hear their truth. It is a piece not written for shock value, but as an alternate conclusion to the one you are living. You see yourself in it, and you see another path you might have chosen to travel, if not for serendipitous circumstance, and the championing support of other people in your life. As you think about it, you wonder if it is the need to project that recognition, which has you writing in a second person point of view.

Whatever it is, you have gone through several days of pondering life, and the very different paths everyone takes in it. You had the privilege of hearing someone else's truth, not sure what to do with the gift they gave, because it was a hard truth, and one that reflected pieces of yourself you would rather ignore. Indubitably, you mishandled this gift, offering advice and comfort where none was requested, unwittingly belittling the strength, independence, and wisdom the person offering has with which to cope with their truth. All they needed was for someone to hear it without shying away from it. You offered empathy, where no empathy was wanted. And when you received resistance, you shut down, uncertain what you'd done to aggravate the gifter.

You've been struggling with the need for something you cannot define, certain it can only be offered by someone you swore you would never reach out to. But what are you looking for? What are you seeking, that you haven't asked this person for before, and have never been granted? It involves risk, and anything involving risk requires boundaries. Do you know what yours are? Of course not. How could you, when you're not even certain what it is you want or need to begin with? Let it rest for now. You feel the press of time, lying to you that it is now or never. Let it rest. Do not rush into this decision blindly. It is not love, nor is it loss. Let it rest.
It occurs to you that this desire could be nothing more than self sabotage. You're way beyond that now right? Life is going so well. Let's test that theory, shall we? No? Well then let it rest. The timing is off, and the decision can wait.

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